Freelance Traveller

#71: Shame

This article appeared in the July/August 2024 issue.

Easter weekend may be all about hoppity rabbits and chocolate eggs, family and food, Maundy money and sunrise services, oh, and the not inconsiderable matter of celebrating the resurrection of Jesus which often gets overlooked, but for me it was rather more difficult this year.

I’ve lived with a stoma now for nine months and mostly it’s been manageable, not pleasant, but manageable. A ‘workaround’ the talented surgeons have come up with that is better than dying of cancer but not much of a substitute for what the body can do with rather more comfortable processes. Occasionally however, stuff happens and it’s more of a problem. Either because of pain or because of other, um, issues. A complete hell as one friend wrote.

Without going into details, I had the worst ‘incident’ I’ve experienced in nine months. Not just physically hard to deal with but psychologically very hard to cope with as well. It would have been bad enough on its own but with extended family visiting it seemed to pile shame on shame. I ended the day collapsed in the shower in pain and tears as I wondered whether I might never go out of the house again. All that was hard enough. Additionally, I hated myself for not coping; others will have been on this path, just ‘man up’.

I realized it felt like a gigantic version of a sensation I’ve had once or twice before when refereeing Traveller. Those occasions didn’t include the physical pain, but embarrassment stepping up to shame at inadequacy, failure, ignorance and frustration was also difficult to deal with mentally. A couple of such moments spring to mind easily they are so riven into my psyche. The sadness that I’d let a couple of players down when I found them playing ticktacktoe because the adventure I’d written didn’t suit their needs; the moment I handed out a referee map with ‘solution’ rather than a player map with puzzle; the time a player felt the bit of adventure I’d written specifically for them so they didn’t have to join the ‘main bit’ didn’t work conceptually. Again, I was berating myself if not actually hating myself for not doing better.

Of course, we all make mistakes but some seem harder to live with than others. Even if the reasons are actually out of our hands, we can still beat ourselves up about it. I suspect roleplaying referees have good skill levels in this.

What I’m realizing, and you’re probably way ahead of me so my apologies for being such a bear of little brain, is that not only are those around (whether visitors or players) generally very patient and even forgiving, but in the long run what seems like such an enormous thing at the time isn’t, actually, the end of the world. I can accept the grace of others and start over with a new adventure or, for those with faith, look to Christ and the new life he offers at Easter and forever.